During the early days of my
counselling career I used to counsel women from a nearby women's
refuge. The idea being that they were able to see that not all men
were 'equal'. Now, I'm aware that many men suffer abuse from their
partners but for the purposes of this little essay I'm going to rely
on the stereotype.
Here's one scenario: You (being
female) find yourself 'pestered' by an extremely attentive guy. He
treats you like a queen. He buys you gifts, chocolates, flowers and
seems totally taken by you. He's attentive and listens to your every
utterance. He's overly flattering and seems to admire every choice
you make and does his best to help you solve every problem you
encounter. His boyish charm, with a hint of vulnerability finally
gets through and you find yourself taken by his persistence. Six
months of bliss is suddenly broken as he slaps you! The moment comes
as such a shock, seemingly for both of you. This uncharacteristic
behaviour throws him into a grovelling, immature wreck. He's so
apologetic you find yourself, (equally uncharacteristically),
forgiving him. All goes well for another seven, or eight weeks. Then
he slaps you again. He's just as apologetic, but this time the
“reasons” for his behaviour become more emotionally charged. He
did it because he's insanely in love with you. And if you hadn't done
“x”, or spoken to “y”, this wouldn't have happened. You're
now somewhat confused. “Was it my fault?” you begin to ask. The
benefit of the doubt ensures you still let this one pass. As the
weeks turn into months, you're finding that he's beginning to
criticise little things. The dress you're wearing. Your hair could
look better tied up, perhaps a bit less make-up, maybe you've spent a
little too long talking to the bloke at the bar, etc. He only says
all these things because he gets jealous, and he only gets jealous
because he “loves” you. Gradually, your only social life is
centred around him. By now he's made the threat that if you should
leave him, he'll kill himself! His life is now your responsibility.
You, in the meantime, have become confused and fearful. His
mood-swings have become unpredictable. One minute he's so deeply in
love with you, the next, you've done something to enrage him and he's
punched you for it! His 'minor' criticisms have become major insults;
“Your hair's a mess! You look like a prostitute! You're ugly and
fat! You're unlovable and an embarrassment!” Interspersed with “I
couldn't imagine life without you! You're my rock. I'm the only one
who could love you.” Then the threats of; “If you're thinking of
leaving me, I'll find you and kill you!” (And/or the kids if you've
had any!)
One day, you're looking at yourself in
the mirror, after innumerable visits to A&E thinking, “It's my
fault. I am ugly. I can't do anything right. I'll never get anyone
else.” Or, “He needs me, I'm the only one who can help him.”
You yearn for those moments of intimacy and compassion, even if it
only amounts to sexual intercourse for him. You imagine them to be
more than they actually are. Your self-worth has been crushed. You
live in abject fear of “doing the wrong thing” and “upsetting”
him again. But you can't see a way out.
As a counsellor, I heard many stories
of seriously abused women who had repeatedly visited casualty
departments and had covered their tracks by visiting hospitals in
different parts of the country, all believing that they were in some
way to blame! All of my clients would say, at some very early point:
“You wouldn't understand!” Usually followed by: “You don't know
him, he can be wonderful.”
I was never allowed to let my feelings
show in sessions but often, after a session, I would find myself
weeping at the tragedy which had unfolded. The scenario would be
repeated on many occasions and I felt helpless. But the biggest
tragedy was the fact that the refuge workers had told me that if they
were able to keep a client for longer than six weeks, they had a
chance of saving them. However, within days, and sometimes hours,
they would return to their abusive partners! Sadly, the frustrating
truth was that the 'recovery' rate was exceedingly small.
An anecdote I'd like to share, just to
hammer home the point concerns a friend and neighbour who'd
telephoned me one evening to inform me that one of her friends had
come to her house to escape her husband's fury. She had brought her
young son with her. They both were, apparently, terrified. It took me
less than ten minutes to reach my fiend's house where I was greeted
by a painfully thin woman who was visibly shaking as I entered the
room. We sat and talked for a few minutes when she gave me “that
look”! One I'd seen so many times. A mixture of suspicion and
contempt. The immortal words: “You wouldn't understand,” followed
by; “he's not always like this, he can be lovely.” were offered.
I gave her the number of the refuge and the name of the person I knew
who would be taking the calls. I tried, as gently as I could to
advise her that it was in her and her son's best interest to go to
the refuge and spend just a couple of nights. She assured me that she
would. However, as I left, I knew that nothing I'd said had made the
slightest impression on her. As I arrived home, less than ten minutes
later, my phone was ringing. It was my neighbour telling me that
she'd left seconds after I and had returned to the enraged husband.
I don't know what happened to her but
I do know of many women who have been killed by their “loving”
partners. And that not many of these stories make the national press,
especially those from the 'lower' working classes!
Why do these women stay? Fear is one
good reason. But the Stockholm Syndrome, reinforced by fear, seems a
much more tangible adhesive! Coming to sympathise with and believe
their captors closes all avenues of rational thought. In an oblique
way, they return for reasons of survival! Despite the obvious threat
to life on one level, on another is, due to the complete destruction
of self-worth, this is the only life they know! TINA – there is no
alternative!
Now to use this tragic level of
existence as a metaphor for the degree of brutality imposed by our
neoliberal corporate masters.
To completely destroy our welfare
system, to give away our right to free healthcare, to give away our
possessions (e.g. Royal Mail, etc.), to sell our infrastructure, our
energy supplies, to send our troops into resource wars, ill-equipped,
to impose fracking and nuclear energy for profit and deny any green
alternatives, to take our money and give it to super-rich individuals
and corporate bodies – tax-free, to watch, heartlessly, as more and
more people have to resort to foodbanks to feed their families, more
and more people are rendered homeless, more and more sick and
disabled punished, growing unemployment and under-employment, lower
wages, less security, less democratic rights to complain or protest,
ignoring the wishes of the majority, crushing small businesses,
snubbing any UN cries of human rights violations, criticising EU
“interference” in our judicial system, signing away our
democratic rights to aggressive secret international trade
agreements, cutting public spending to the bone and threatening us
with heavy-handed policing. All of which sounds pretty abusive to me.
They can beat us at will. They can
take our money at will. They can lock us up at will. And we take it.
We believe TINA - there is no alternative. We're to believe they're
doing it for our own good. We're to accept that other people's views
(UN, EU, and the church) are to be ignored because “they don't
understand us”! And we are too afraid to fight back!
Many people have died at the hands of
these corporate controlled politicians and their deaths are not
making the news! Many more will die prematurely. We will allow our
own home ecology to be destroyed, let alone the global ecology,
before we put an end to this abuse!
I'm not sure I even saved one of those
women in my early years of counselling. I was only allowed to offer
six one-to-one sessions. Beyond which was the support services of the
refuge and social services – if they stayed. What I have learned
along the way was the value of group therapy. Groups break the sense
of isolation. It reveals the truth behind the lies and manipulation
we've all fallen for! It also reveals the fact that we can achieve so
much more if we work together! We are NOT idiots! If we work
collectively, it is my conviction, that we can end this abuse and
find a real and sustainable alternative.
